Monthly Archives: August 2012

August 30, 2012 · 6:53 am

Do I Need Counseling? Does My Child or Teen Need Counseling? 6 Questions To Ask

Life is always throwing challenges at us. Some things we handle pretty well, and other things are more difficult to overcome. One question many people have is “When is it time to see a therapist about these issues?” I have come up with a list of questions to ask yourself to help determine whether you or your child will benefit from therapy.

If you answer “YES” to any of the questions below, I suggest you consider seeking counseling from a professional. There are many types of mental health professionals out there, so for help on finding the right therapist, read Finding the Right Type of Mental Health Professional.

Do I need to seek counseling?

  1. Am I having feelings, or behaving in a way, that is negatively interfering in my life?
  2. Have I tried to “fix” my problems on my own and cannot seem to make any significant changes?
  3. Have my symptoms or problems been ongoing for at least 3 months, or “too long?”
  4. Do I have trouble developing or maintaining successful relationships, including romantic relationships, family relationships, professional relationships, and friendships?
  5. Have my friends, family, or doctor suggested I seek help for my issues?
  6. Do I feel or think I need to seek help before things get worse?

Does my child or teen need counseling?

  1. Has our family recently experienced a significant change or transition in our life, such as divorce, remarriage, job loss, and a new baby?
  2. Have I noticed my child or teen is behaving unusual in any way?
  3. Has my child or teen mentioned they are unhappy, anxious, or angry and cannot seem to overcome these feelings?
  4. Have teachers, friends, or community members mentioned they are concerned about my child for any reason?
  5. Have the symptoms or behaviors become worse or remained the same for at least 3 months, or longer than I am comfortable with?
  6. Have I tried to help my child or teen and it didn’t work, or do I feel I don’t know how to help?

How To Find a Therapist:

Ask Your Doctor

Talk to your family doctor, OBGyn, or pediatrician if you feel you need to seek counseling or are unsure. Doctor’s have referrals for therapists in your area to cover a wide range of issues.

PsychologyToday.com Therapy Directory is probably the best resource for finding a therapist in your area. You can read the profiles, which includes contact information, payment options, and backgrounds for the therapists. The professionals have also been verified by PsychologyToday.com as a licensed professional in their state. For an example, you can view my profile.

Check for therapists in network with your insurance company. You can either call the customer service number, or you can look online for this information.

Talk to friends or family for referrals. If you are comfortable with asking, getting a referral from someone you trust is one of the best ways to find a good therapist.

You May Also Like:

Finding the Right Type of Mental Health Professional

Fun and Easy to Make Relaxation Flip Books

Angry Paper Toss

 

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August 27, 2012 · 5:10 am

Wizard Therapists? Video Games That Target Depression, Anger Management, and Social Skills

Technology is playing more and more of a role in our lives today and the mental health field is taking advantage of all there is to offer as well. I was happy to come across some creative uses of this technology in treating mental and behavioral health. Video games!!

While there are just a few listed here, and two are not even ready for distribution, I am still excited to see the possibilities in using video games for good, rather than just promoting violence. In addition, these games are created with clinical professionals and undergoing clinical testing.

SPARKS- Using Avatars to Treat Depression

SPARKS video game in New Zealand has created a video game to combat teenage depression using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.According the the Sparx website, this game is NOT yet available for distribution as it is still going through clinical trials. I will keep watch though!

...And here's your new therapists: the SPARX computer game uses cognitive behavioural therapy to try to remove depression

“…And here’s your new therapists: the SPARX computer game uses cognitive  behavioural therapy to try to remove depression“
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2181640/Meet-new-wizard-therapists-New-Zealand-trials-video-game-uses-role-playing-games-try-beat-depression.html#ixzz24fN7hOsV

Rather than simply encouraging players to  engage in combat or destruction, the SPARX video game developed in New Zealand  attempts to teach teenagers how to deal with depression using the psychological  approach known as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

Just as importantly, its creators set out to  make the game exciting for those teenagers who are often reluctant to seek  counselling and bored by well-meaning advice on how to cope with  depression.

The result is a role-playing fantasy game,  where teenagers adopt a warrior avatar and get to blast negative thoughts with  fireballs while trying to save the world from sinking into a mire of pessimism  and despair.

Project leader Sally Merry, a child and  adolescent psychiatrist at Auckland University, said the unconventional approach  had proved popular with teenagers, allowing them to address their issues in  privacy and at their own pace.

‘You can deal with mental health problems in  a way that doesn’t have to be deadly serious,’ she said. ‘The therapy doesn’t  have to be depressing in and of itself. We’re aiming to make it fun.’

RAGE CONTROL (Regulate And Gain Emotional Control)

According to an online article by Harvard Magazine, this video game is being tested as a way to help kids deal with anger and gaining control of their emotions.

The pilot study at Children’s Hospital Boston tests an intervention that features a video game based on the 1980s arcade favorite Space Invaders. Players shoot down space aliens, but with an important modification: they wear a monitor on one pinkie that tracks heart rate as they play. If that indicator rises above resting levels—signaling that they’re overexcited—players lose the ability to shoot.

Succeeding at the game, known as RAGE Control (Regulate and Gain Emotional Control), is a careful balancing act. “You need to learn how to control your level of arousal,” he says, “but just enough that you can still react rapidly and make quick decisions.”

Participants play during sessions with Peter Ducharme, a licensed clinical social worker who has adapted traditional anger-management therapy to complement the game. During the course of five hour-long sessions, he teaches kids strategies to regulate their emotional states—including deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation—and then encourages them to experiment to see which strategies aid their game play.

SECOND LIFE

Second Life is a real world style of video game where players create their own avatar and interact with the social world around them. It is now being used to help individuals with Aspergers and others on the Autism spectrum learn to interact socially, but at their own pace. Brigadoon is the project leading this trend. I can see where there would be some controversery surrounding the use of Second Life for this purpose, but, while games are not a replacement for real social interaction, it’s a good start for some. After all, we need to meet them where they are first.

You May Also Like:

Recognizing Depression in Men

Possible Reasons Your Teen “Just Doesn’t Give a Care” Anymore

Fun and Easy To Make Relaxation Flip Books

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August 24, 2012 · 5:59 am

Friday Wrap Up 8-24-12: Must Reads and Best Online Finds From the Week!

MY FAVORITE ARTICLES, QUOTES, AND OTHER FINDS FROM THE WEEK!

It’s Finally The Weekend!!

Every week I come across so many informative articles, funny and inspiring quotes, and cool websites. It’s impossible to post them all on my facebook page, so here’s what I came across this week.

Have a great weekend!

1. 10 IPad Apps for Counselors is featured on JYJ Counselor. Here are a few of my favorites she mentions:

Puppet Pals HD (free but there’s a paid $2.99 version): My students LOVE this app, another story creation app where students can take pictures of themselves from the iPad camera roll and insert themselves into a story.  There was so much interest from the students in this app that I purchased the $2.99 version.  It was well worth it.

Breathe2Relax (free): Neat calm app that helps students inhale and exhale with their breathing to relax or calm down.

You can handle them all ($1.99):  Great tips on how to handle children’s inappropriate behaviors.  This app is so popular/helpful that all the school psychologists in my district have iPads and this app is on each one!


2. Ten Secrets of Happy Couples. Don’t we all want to know the secrets to a happy relationship? This article by Red Box goes into more detail for each secret, but here is the summary to give you a peak:

  1. The celebrate a unique anniversary. Other than the wedding anniversary, they celebrate private moments, such as the date of a first kiss or the first time they met.
  2. They stash pleasure money. This is spent for a vacation, date night, or anything else the couple can enjoy together.
  3. When the going gets tough, they don’t call mom or dad. They talk about how to handle the problem together before reaching out for others to intervene.
  4. They don’t nickel-and-dime about chores (less nagging). These couples don’t keep a score card.
  5. They never loose their sense of humor.
  6. They get busy, period. Regular intimacy is important for the relationship.
  7. They never withhold nooky as a punishment.
  8. They use terms of endearment.
  9. They are grateful for the ordinary. These couples didn’t take one another for granted and noticed the every day things that were special.
  10. They take at least 10 minutes out of their day for one another without distractions.

3. Small Straws in a Soft Wind, by Marsha Burns is a beautiful reminder of staying present in our lives and Living in the Moment, which I wrote about a couple months ago.

“Many of you, My people, will be seduced into going back in time to relive the past on some level. But, be aware that when you do that you will be opening the door to entertain old places of rejection, failure, and disappointment. This is not good for you and will hinder your walk in the Spirit. What you must do is stay present with Me, and what I am doing in, around and through you right now. You can do nothing about the past, but you can be strengthened and encouraged in the present, says the Lord.

Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”

4. Pet Therapy. I am an animal lover and this picture is such a sweet reminder of the power of a pet’s love and devotion in our lives. Pets are actually used in all kinds of therapy and you can read more about that here.

5. Too Funny!

3.. 2.. 1..

PAST FRIDAY WRAP UPS:

Friday Wrap Up 8/17/12

Friday Wrap Up 8/10/12

Friday Wrap UP 8/03/12

Friday Wrap Up 7/27/12

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August 23, 2012 · 7:12 am

Determining Natural Consequences for Inappropriate/Unwanted Behaviors

Many years ago, I was given some informal training in the Love and Logic parenting techniques. Like most information sources, I integrate and use the ideas that fit my values and circumstances. Love and Logic actually taught me several good parenting techniques that stick with me as a parent and therapist.

NATURAL/LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

One of the main premises of the Love and Logic approach is to allow your child to experience “natural” consequences for their actions. The concept of natural consequences is not exclusive to Love and Logic so there are a lot of good resources to learn about the idea behind natural consequences and how to apply them. I found Education World offers a good description of the purpose and usefulness behind logical consequences and Empowering Parents describes the benefits of natural consequences.

A natural/logical/related consequence is basically allowing your child or teen to experience a consequence that relates most closely with the action. Sometimes, the consequence is so natural that there is really no need for additional consequences to be determined by the parent. For example, if they play too rough with a toy and the toy breaks, they no longer have that toy unless they buy another one. Another example is that if they are up too late the night before, then they will suffer being tired the next day, miss their school bus, etc.

[Cartoon: Staying up late and falling asleep in school]

I found some great examples and explanations on natural consequences here.

Child’s Behavior Natural Consequence
Stays up late and is late for school She feels tired the next day, the teacher is angry and makes her stay after school.
Refuses to wear mittens Her hands get cold.
Refuses to eat dinner She feels hungry.
Smokes marijuana She feels “high” and gains acceptance from peers. She may be suspended from school if caught.
Shoplifts clothes at store She gets free clothes. She may be caught and arrested.
Plays with cigarette lighter She burns her hand or possibly sets the house on fire.
Leaves toys out in the rain The toys rust or are stolen.

Sometimes, natural consequences don’t work and there are a few rules of thumb you can use to decide if you need to interject alternate, but still logical, consequences:

  • If you interfere with a natural consequence it will not work. For example, by fixing a later meal after your child refuses to eat dinner, you will stop the natural consequence of hunger. You are also encouraging the unacceptable behavior by responding with special attention. Similarly, by forcing your child to wear a coat, she will not experience the natural consequence of being cold.
  • Your child’s misbehavior can be encouraged by a natural consequence. For instance, shoplifting without being caught results in free clothes.
  • Something you see as unpleasant, like cold hands, may not matter to your children.
  • The natural consequence may be too dangerous. Never allow the natural consequence to endanger the health and safety of your child. For example, playing with matches may lead to a fire.

Natural consequences only work if they are undesirable to your child and you do not interfere!! 

Coming up with alternate, logical consequences, can take some creativity at times. I found some helpful examples here.

You Break It –You Fix It
Children take some responsibility for fixing, as best they can, any problem or mess they have created. Some examples:

  • One child accidentally knocks into another on the playground. She stops, apologizes and offers to help the other child get up.
  • A student knocks over a tray of food carried by another student. He helps clean it up and perhaps offers to go back and get new food.
  • A child hurts the feelings of another. She participates in “an apology of action” by writing a note, including the hurt child in a friendly activity
  • A student is part of a conflict. The students involved participate in a conflict resolution process.
  • A student wastes class time talking to a friend, looking out the window, trying to avoid the task. He makes up the time at another point during the day.

Loss of Privilege
In classrooms in which children help generate and construct the rules together, a sense of shared responsibility and trust exists. When students do not “take care of the rules,” the logical consequence might be to lose a privilege. Examples:

  • A student waves scissors around. She loses the use of the scissors for the remainder of the art period.
  • Two children talk instead of working. They have to sit by themselves.
  • A child rocks his chair or sits way back in his chair. He sits on the floor or stands for the remainder of the lesson or activity.
  • A student plays unsafely on an outdoor structure. She has to choose a different area of the playground to use during the rest of that recess.
  • A student speaks rudely to the teacher. The teacher refuses to listen to her until she changes her tone of voice.
  • A student rolls his eyes or calls out during a morning meeting. He has to leave the group.
  • A student fools around on line. She has to walk with the teacher.
  • A student logs on to an acceptable Web site while doing research. He loses computer time for the rest of the period (or week).
  • Students go to the bathroom to gossip about classmates. They lose the privilege of going to the bathroom together or without an adult for the next couple of days.

Time-Out or Take a Break
A student who is on the verge of losing control and beginning to disrupt and disturb their own and others’ ability to learn is asked to leave the scene and “take a break.” The student may return when he or she appears to have regained controls and is ready to participate in a positive way. Time out might be instituted when a student

  • whispers to a neighbor while another student is sharing information.
  • ignores the quiet signal.
  • calls out answers, denying others the chance to think.
  • makes a snide remark about another student’s response to a question.
  • persists in argument or negotiation with the teacher after clearly being told to stop.
  • whips the ball when the instructions are for underhand throws.

DELAYED CONSEQUENCES

I also want to share the concept of delayed consequences that I know from Love and Logic. The idea behind delayed consequences is to purposely hold off on determining (or at least declaring) the consequence for a behavior. This will work with children who are capable of remembering that they have a punishment coming. It would not be ideal for a toddler because they are too young to comprehend the delay.

When a child does something inappropriate, tell them that you will “talk to them about their punishment later” and tell them “not to worry too much about it now.”

 Then add an evil laugh right after (Muuuaaahhhhaaahhaa!). Just kidding, but it is sort of implied!! :)

The Love and Logic Institute describes the Problems with Immediate Consequences:

1. Most of us have great difficulty thinking of an immediate consequence while we are teaching.

2. We “own” the problem rather than handing it back to the child. In other words, we are forced to do more thinking than the child.

3. We are forced to react while we and the child are upset.
4. We don’t have time to anticipate how the child, his/her parents, our administrators, and others will react to our response.
5. We don’t have time to put together a reasonable plan and a support team to help us carry it out.
6. We often end up making threats we can’t back up.
7. We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of empathy before providing the consequences.
8. Every day we live in fear that some kid will do something that we won’t know how to handle with an immediate consequence.


So, if you are not sure about what natural or logical consequence you want to use immediately when the inappropriate behavior is identified, then use this idea of delayed consequences. It will give you time to come up with something just right and still have a little fun! :)

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

Book coverGrounded for Life?! is for parents who feel responsible for their teen’s hair, clothes, bedroom, grades, and behavior. Tracy offers a process for parenting that helps parents distinguish the important issues for healthy teen growth. As a mother of six and a longtime middle-school counselor, Tracy shows you how to communicate effectively with teens.

Book CoverGo to Your Room!: Consequences That Teach tells you why many consequences don’t work and how to start selecting ones that will help your child learn to do better next time.

The New Approach to Discipline: Logical ConsequencesThe New Approach to Discipline

Also check out the Love and Logic website for a host of resources for children of all ages, parents, and educators!

SHARE YOUR IDEAS OR QUESTIONS!

Coming up with logical consequences can be difficult sometimes. If you have some creative ideas to share, or a behavior you need help with in determining a consequence, please share!

You May Also Like:

Ask “What Hasn’t Changed?”

Reaching Potential Beyond Our Comfort Zone

Five Qualities of a Good Child Therapist

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August 20, 2012 · 8:33 am

Unique, Inexpensive, or DIY Ideas for a Play Therapy or Child’s Room

Putting together a play therapy room or a play therapy kit is part of the fun of being a play therapist and working with kids. And since I’m a mom too, I can use all of these to put together my own kid’s room.I’ve seen a lot of great ideas, many inexpensive, for use in a play therapy room. and wanted to share with you. If you have any other suggestions or links, please share with the rest of us!

To get to the original source for instructions, click on the picture!

***** DOLL HOUSES *****

Making a dollhouse from a cardboard box is an inexpensive idea for a portable play therapy kit!

Using a dresser as a doll house! You have storage for all the accessories and dolls underneath!

100_9315

More dollhouses made from book shelves!! The last one even rolls for easy portability!

***** SAND TRAYS AND SENSORY TABLES *****

DIY Sand Tray from IKEA nightstand! Blogger says:

This cute DIY sensory table was made from an IKEA nightstand turned upside down with one of the shelves taken out and a bin inserted in its place.  Just fill the bin up with sand, beans, water or anything else you can think of for a (somewhat) contained way for your child to play with otherwise messy items.

Another DIY Sand Tray, using even less expensive items, including a tupaware box and metal legs. This mom uses rice, but you could also use sand.

Display your sand tray items on a wall storage like this!

Pinned Image

I’m in love with this sand tray room!! I just think it looks beautiful, clean, and inviting.

***** REAL LIFE PLAY *****

A DIY medical kit from items in your home. Another idea for an inexpensive tool in therapy!

A crafty idea to turn an old entertainment center into a play kitchen.

A friend of mine made this play kitchen out of an end table! She got the idea from Ikeahackers.net.

This picture shows clothes being hung on a ladder, but I think this would be great in a play therapy room to display dress up clothes and takes up less space than some of the other clothing racks I’ve seen!

***** PUPPET THEATER AND PUPPETS *****

This puppet theater was made from an old book shelf!

This theater is made from a foam board and will take up less space and more portable.

***** ART AND CREATIVITY CENTERS *****

A chalkboard on the wall or behind the door is a good space for drawing but doesn’t take up much space.

In this picture, I love the idea of putting all the CRAYONS in a large glass jar! :)

***** FANTASY PLAY *****

I don’t have a pirate ship in my play room YET, but I can see how this could be excellent for eliciting therapeutic fantasy play!

John Crane Tidlo Paragon Pirate Ship

***** SAFE PLACES *****

If you have the room in your play therapy room or child’s room, a teepee would be a great addition and are simple to make. Any kid would feel safe and secure in this small space, yet it is still open enough so they are not hidden from your sight (if you are in a play therapy room).

diy teepee 1 DIY | Play TeePee

***** ORGANIZATION AND DISPLAY *****

This is about the size of most playrooms and I like the arrangement of the toys. The entire blog post is all about organizing and is worth the read!

I like the idea of putting these “boxes” on the wall. I think this would be perfect for displaying sand tray toys, puppets, and other items that sometimes get lost in bins.

I like this picture because it shows a small room (most play therapy rooms are small) but it is organized nicely, using a teepee, small table, and flat doll house.

Pinned Image

This underbed storage unit would be good for keep sand tray toys organized if you are unable to display them on a shelf or doll house items.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

A Simple Explanation of Play Therapy

Bringing Back Old Fashioned Play

Qualities of a Good Child Therapist

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August 17, 2012 · 4:41 am

Friday Wrap Up 8-17-12: Must Reads and Best Online Finds From the Week!

MY FAVORITE ARTICLES, QUOTES, AND OTHER FINDS FROM THE WEEK!

It’s Finally The Weekend!!

Every week I come across so many informative articles, funny and inspiring quotes, and cool websites. It’s impossible to post them all on my facebook page, so here’s what I came across this week.

Have a great weekend!

1. Psychoanalyzing Batman. I love superhero movies. To me, they are more than a hero flying around saving people. There is always a story behind the superhero and how they transformed to a stronger, more powerful self. This post on Psychcentral.com is a good psychoanalysis of Batman. Good read. Here’s a clip:

Batman, AKA Bruce Wayne, lives through the trauma of watching his parents murdered in front of his eyes as a young boy. In order to find some kind of retribution, he becomes a superhero who tries to save his city, Gotham, from crime.

And not just that – he also picks a disguise that is reminiscent of what was once his greatest fear: the fear of bats.

As a kid he found himself trapped in a well, surrounded by fluttering bloodsuckers who seem to want to attack him. But as a young man, he wasn’t going to continue giving in to that fear. He wanted to overcome it.

So (after a long and hard training period somewhere in a faraway Asian country) he exposed himself voluntarily to a swarm of screeching bats, standing still in the midst of the tornado, until he had overcome his fear. And thus, the legend was born.

But Bruce Wayne doesn’t just attempt to move past what used to haunt him by looking straight at it. He transcends it into his greatest strength, and embodies what once was the source of a severe phobia.

2. Dads Pass “Trust” Hormone to Kids

Interesting article that suggests giving a parent oxytocinis can help improve a child’s emotional or social growth. I look forward to seeing more research in this area.

Often called the “love hormone” or “trust hormone,” oxytocinis a chemical that helps parents and children bond to one another and works on children’s emotional development.

A recent study has found that giving fathers oxytocin not only increases their bond with their child but also increases the amount of oxytocin found in their children.

The finding means that some children’s conditions related to social or emotional growth might be able to be addressed by giving a parentoxytocin without having to give any medications to the child.

3. Reframing!

4. Cute ideas for new family traditions here by Elaine Ng Friis. Here are some of my favorites!

Meal Under the Table
Once a month or so, have meal or snack under the table and bond with your child.

Family Devotion Time
Once a week, worship God, pray and read the Bible together as a family.

Family Night
Once every two weeks, let the children drag their mattresses to your bedroom floor and sleep together with you.

Super Family Night
Once a month, drag all your mattresses downstairs and sleep in the living room floor altogether with your children. (There’s no good reason why as we all have our beds other than it’s great fun.) Switch off the lights and light candles (you can use the fake candles for safety). The candle lights somehow helps to create a cozy conducive environment for family-togetherness. You can spend the evening talking about old family memories, or future aspirations.

Spring Cleaning
Once a year, do spring cleaning of the home together as a family. Let the children put on swim suits and slide on the wet floor while you are mopping the floor.

5. Feelings Darts

I always like finding unique activities to use with kids in therapy. This post on the Play and Child Therapy Blog is a fun one!

With families, each family member gets a Dart Gun, or they share if there are not enough, and they take a turn targeting and shooting a feeling card. Sometimes, families will target a feeling they want to talk about. Other times, everyone in the family will share a time they have experienced the feeling. The cards are great because the pictures are vibrant, fun and help little ones, who do not read yet, understand the emotion represented. Fantastic conversations and shared information have
come from the use of this activity. “Hard stuff” has proved easier to bring up
and talk about with this “game.”

This activity is also very popular with tween/teen boys and girls. With teens, I usually post the lashcards individually around the room with Poster Putty. Then, they can move around the room, target and shoot an emotion they want to share. Some kids like to throw play-doh or clay at an emotion/card. All ages love this activity. I have used it with four-year-olds through seventy-year-olds.

You can make the chart with poster board, Todd Parr Feelings Flash Cards (feelings posters work very
well – http://www.childtherapytoys.com/store/Play_therapy4.html, and I used clear contact paper to laminate, and keep the whole thing together. To make a whole chart, you need to purchase two Todd Parr packs, as they are double sided.

PAST FRIDAY WRAP UPS:

Friday Wrap Up 8/10/12

Friday Wrap UP 8/03/12

Friday Wrap Up 7/27/12

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August 16, 2012 · 5:54 am

10 Expectations For Expecting Couples

Whether a couple has been together for many years or just starting out together, welcoming a new baby to your relationship means big changes. This is usually the point in your lives when you refer to yourselves as a “family” rather than just a “couple.” Knowing you will be adjusting to changes is one thing, but knowing what those changes are helps prepare you even more. You will be able to navigate through the parenthood journey together a little more smoothly.

So What Kinds of Changes Can You Expect Once Baby Arrives? 

1. Differences in Parenting Styles

You may agree on everything now, but when it comes to parenting, there will likely be some differences in opinion. What may surprise you is how protective you feel about your kids. If your spouse is disciplining in a way you don’t approve, or not paying enough attention to the child, this can bring up very strong emotions. Talk about your parenting philosophy now. Discuss issues such as whether you agree on spanking, organized sports, one parent staying home to raise the kids, and so forth.  Respect the other parent’s opinion. Remember, you are in this together and differences are normal. It’s how you work through these differences that will define parents who are a team versus parents who operate separately.

2. Less Time Together

Children take a lot of time, attention, and energy so this is not a surprise. If you were used to quality time as a couple, you will now have to enjoy that time with a little one at your feet. Enjoy every moment together, even if the kids are around. Your baby will be a very special connection that only the two of you can share together. Also, schedule time for one another. Making these arrangements (babysitter, packing items, and money) can feel overwhelming at first, but spending that quality time with your spouse is a must.

3. Changes in Roles

Some couples redefine their roles after having kids. The man or the woman may shift their priorities from career-focused to family-focused and take on more of a domestic role in the home. Before kids, I was very career driven, and was highly surprised to find that after kids, I wanted more of a role in caring for my kids, my husband, and my home. Every couple is different and it can take some time to find the right fit for your family.

4. Early to Bed and Early to Rise

I have yet to meet a couple with kids who sleep late any more. Kids wake up early, and they don’t care if it’s Saturday morning or whether you were up late the night before. Staying up late all of a sudden doesn’t have the same appeal because you will always suffer for it the next day :)

5. Weekends at Home

Going out on the weekend can be a task with kids. You have to find childcare, and then make sure they have everything they need before you go. Unless you have family or other free childcare, you are also spending an extra sum of money for your night out. Like I mentioned above though, alone time will be important, so try to plan for once a month or as often as you can. It will be worth it!

6. New Social Circles

If you were hanging out with kid-free friends before, chances are you are going to see them less and meet other couples with kids. Why? First of all, other couples with kids understand when your toddler throws a tantrum over dinner and when you call it a night at 8:30 instead of 12:30. Secondly, kids can entertain one another. If your kid has a friend to play with, in a kid-friendly home, you can sit back and relax (your new definition of relaxing).

7. Financial Changes

This goes without an explanation. Having kids is an expense. It will be important to get ready for this before you baby arrives.

8. So Much Laughter!

I have never laughed so much in my life as I have since having my kids. When I think back to life pre-kids, I have plenty of good memories, but I never felt the kind of joy I feel with my kids. As a couple, you will be able to share these moments together. No one else will find the story or expression as comical as you do, so this will be a bond that only you will share as parents.

9. You Learn A LOT of Patience

I added this one in at the last minute. I realized how patient I have become when my toddler was throwing a classic terrible-two tantrum during dinner this week. It didn’t rattle me like it used to and I was actually able to tune it out and continue my conversation with my husband. Wow, this is an accomplishment!

10. You Kinda Loose Your Mind

Something happens between pregnancy and kids where you loose the sharp mind you used to have. There is so much on your mind that you can only keep track of so much. A friend of mine once told me “with kids your mind is never free.” So very true.

What Makes It Worth While?

This is a question that can only be answered once you have your kids. It’s a journey like no other, and one that fills your heart with joy!

References:

The Bump

Ask A Mum

You May Also Like:

Fostering a Healthy Infant Attachment Bond

Self-Identity After Kids

Preparing for Post-Partum Adjustment

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August 14, 2012 · 9:43 am

Do Your Expectations Meet Reality?

Have you ever noticed how much easier things are the second time around? Once you know what to expect of a situation, or a person, you are more emotionally prepared for how to respond. I recently had a second baby, and while there are differences between my first and second child, my experience has been overall much easier. I was prepared for the late night feedings, funny baby sounds, strange rashes, and even my own physical adjustment.

Sometimes,we don’t always adjust our expectations to reality.  And when this happens, it can lead us to feel disappointed, frustrated, angry, or sad.

Here’s an example- You know your co-worker is not a morning person, but you still insist on talking to them before they finish that morning cup of coffee, and then get your feelings hurt when they tell you to “get lost.” I’m not focusing on the right or wrong of the snappy co-worker here, but if you continue to attempt conversation pre-coffee time and get your feelings hurt every morning, it’s time to adjust your expectations of early morning interactions with that person.

Disclaimer: this post is not about setting high expectations for your kids to make good grades, or for you to meet your weight loss goals, etc. This is about the emotions that we feel when we expect one outcome and we get another. I believe that if our emotions are appropriate with the situation, we can respond that much better in finding a solution.

When I was an intern, one of my supervisors had a great illustration for expectations versus reality that I have found to be so true. The idea:

The greater the gap between your expectations and reality, the greater the emotional distress you will feel.

I did some searching online to find the perfect illustration for you (because I have no idea how to create my own or time to learn). I didn’t find exactly what I needed, but I found something pretty close. (although, it’s a pretty good post so click on the picture for a link to the source).

For the purpose of this post, pretend the “Opportunity” is not there. Just focus on the area of disappointment. Assume that “Disappointment” here can also be anger, frustration, or sadness. You can see from this illustration that the farther away your expectations are from reality, the greater the emotional gap will be. Now, visualize the “Expectation” and “Reality” lines moving closer together. The “Disappointment” line gets smaller.

Expectations and Relationships: At some point in your life, you have probably felt let down and angry about something your significant other did or said, even though you should have expected it based on past experience. Men and women in relationships with someone with ADD/ADHD report feeling extremely frustrated when things don’t get done. The couple may struggle for years, while patterns persist and emotions continue to rise. Knowing your partner’s personality, patterns, strenghts, and weaknessness will help you in setting expectations realistically.

Expectations and Kids: My toddler has a routine, and part of that routine is his meal and snack times. I know that if he misses lunch or a snack and feels hungry, he is a very cranky little man (like most of us). However, I will admit that I have thrown out this bit of knowledge on occassion and become very frustrated with him for getting fussy, only to remind myself that dinner is late (or whatever the chaous may be that day) and punishment is not the solution… food is the solution! It’s important to remember the needs and patterns of our kids because it can help us to maintain some sanity when they are behaving inappropriately.

Expectations and Ourselves: Many people are harder on themselves than they should be. When I was an intern, just starting out in counseling, I pictured myself in my first session as comfortable, confident, and recalling all the techniques and theories I learned in graduae school. Boy, was I let down. I was nervous, awkard, and all my graduate school classes swirled around my head like a tornado! It took some support from fellow counselors to reassure me I would be better with experience. A more realistic expectation for myself would have been one with the expectation that I was inexperienced and trying something for the first time.

Expectations and Circumstances: Like I mentioned above about the second baby being easier than the first, it was because I knew what to expect of my life after having a baby. What if I had convinced myself that this baby would sleep through the night, or that I would be back in my skinny jeans in two weeks? There would have been a huge HUGE gap between those expectations and reality and I would have been very VERY disappointed.

So how do we make sure our expectations are close to reality?

  • Consider past experiences/behaviors
  • Consider patterns
  • Consider an individual’s abilities and limitations
  • Be flexible with new situations, understanding there will be surprises along the way

There is so much more that can be said on the topic, but hopefully you get the idea. What areas of your life have you been repeatedly disappointed? Maybe it’s time to evaluate your expectations and save yourself some frustration, disappointment, or more.

You May Also Like:

Mom, Dad, and Toddler Adjust To a New Baby

Parents: Educate Yourself on Cyberbullying!

Our Times of Struggle

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August 10, 2012 · 8:48 am

Friday Wrap Up: Must Reads and Best Online Finds From the Week!

MY FAVORITE ARTICLES, QUOTES, AND OTHER FINDS FROM THE WEEK!

It’s Finally The Weekend!!

Every week I come across so many informative articles, funny and inspiring quotes, and cool websites. It’s impossible to post them all on my facebook page, so here’s what I came across this week.

Have a great weekend!

1. In honor of the final week of the 2012 London Olympics, I found a good post by a sports psychologist on what he thinks will make for a successful Olympic experience. We can actually ALL use these tips when striving for a goal!!

Here are some of my initial tips for an athlete’s success at the Olympics:

  1. Arrive psychologically ready having developed your psychological skills
  2. Keep your goal(s) in mind for the event. Ensure these are realistic (SMART)
  3. Know your Olympic Game(s) plan – how  you will manage your sports time during the competition and training times
  4. Know how you will manage your downtime – take it easy, relax, chill, put your mind on other things
  5. Be confident - recall all your preparation, training sessions, markers that you are ready for this, trust your preparation
  6. Manage pre-competition nerves
  7. Review each performance in a balanced way, so you can spot opportunities to tweak your plan while you are still at the Games (but be careful not to over meddle)
  8. Focus on you and what you need to do to perform well (don’t get too distracted by other athletes or the ‘circus’)

2. This website has some great downloads for therapeutic activities. Here are a few of my favorites, but there are many more so check it out!

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3. What a great reminder and visual aid for the power of exercise on our physical and psychological health!

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4. I thought this was a cool visual of the categories of anti-psychotics. Here’s the visual link.

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August 9, 2012 · 12:55 pm

Gold Medal Rules in Parenting (And Mom Wins the Gold!)

I stumbled upon a good article online at Parenting Magazine titled Quirky Discipline Rules That Work. This article is floating around on Pinterest right now and mothers everywhere are excited about the techniques offered by the author, who is also speaking from experience as a mom.

What I really like about these techniques, and the reason they get such good results, is because they follow the premise of a few golden rules. If you get the philosophy behind the techniques, you can come up with some creative ways to use them and come up with your own “quirky rules”, just like the moms in this article showed us. Aren’t they all about tricking our kids into doing what we want anyways? :)

1. Kids want to feel in control. I believe everyone likes to feel some degree of control over their life. My 18 month old already insists on choosing which socks and shoes he will wear to daycare.  Allowing kids an opportunity to make choices helps to fulfill that need for control and independence. When the author tells her kids they can be loud as long as it is in another room, or they can choose to stay in the room with her as long as they helped with the laundry, this is giving them a choice in how or where they will behave. Here’s an exerpt from the the article:

And then one day, as my oldest foster daughter sat and watched me work, asking me favors and waiting for me to be done, I came up with a rule that takes into account two important facts about kids:

* They actually want to be with you as much as possible.

* You can’t force them to help you in any way that is truly helpful.

I played fact one against fact two and told her that she didn’t have to help me but couldn’t just sit and watch. She had to go elsewhere. Given a choice between being with me and folding laundry or not being with me at all, she took option one.

Why it works: I didn’t care which she chose. And it was her choice, so it gave her control even as it took it away.

2. You can only control you. No matter how hard we try, we cannot control our kids like we think. By declaring herself “off duty” at 8:00pm, the author realized that she could not control the behaviors of her family. She could only control herself.  Once they learned she was serious about her 8 o’clock rule, they adjusted!

Goal: Regular bedtimes and time off for you

You can’t just announce a rule to your husband and kids that says, “Bedtime has to go really smoothly so I can get a break at the end of the day.” It won’t happen. But if you flip the problem and make a rule about you instead of telling everyone what they have to do, it all falls neatly  — and miraculously  — into place.

When this occurred to me, back when my oldest was 6 and my youngest was nearly 2, I announced to Anna and Taylor that the U.S. Department of Labor had just created a new rule and I was no longer allowed to do any kind of mom jobs past 8:00 in the evening. I would gladly read books, play games, listen to stories of everyone’s day, give baths  — the whole mother package  — before then. Then I held firm  — I acted as if it were out of my hands. Sort of like Cinderella and midnight.

Suddenly, my 6-year-old (and my husband) developed a new consciousness of time. My daughter actually rushed to get ready for bed just after dinner so that we could have lots of books and time together before I was “off.” My husband, realizing that if things dragged past 8:00 he’d have to face putting both girls to sleep himself, became more helpful. Anna’s now 11, and my hours have been extended, but the idea that I’m not endlessly available has been preserved and integrated into our family routine.

Why it works: You’re not telling anyone else what to do. The rule is for you, so you have only yourself to blame if it’s not enforced.

3. Make the rule objective. Anytime you can blame the child’s disappointment on “the rule” rather than mean ol’ mom, the better. The example in this article is that she never argues over money. So, when the moment arises when the kids want to argue over getting a new toy, then she can remove the personal aspect and claim it’s the outside rule that prevents her from arguing.

It cuts both ways, though: When your kids want to spend their “own” money, point out potential mistakes and give advice on the purchase if you’d like, but at the end of the day, don’t overrule them unless it’s a matter of health or safety. After all, you don’t argue about money. They may make some bad choices, but they’ll learn. And you’ll all enjoy shopping together a lot more.

Why it works: It shifts the focus from the whined-for treat to financial policy. You’re almost changing the topic on them, no longer debating why they should or shouldn’t have gum or some plastic plaything and, instead, invoking a reasonable-sounding family value.

I love it when parents spread wisdom and experience with the rest of us. Honestly, the education I get from other moms and dads is so much more valuable than books written by psychologists (shh don’t tell my psych friends).

You May Also Like:

Is There A “Right” Way To Parent?

Sibling Rivalry: Treating Kids Fairly Versus Equally

Creating a Calm Down Box

 

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