Category Archives: Teens

October 9, 2012 · 10:48 am

What Would You Tell Your Teenage Self?

I’m sure you’ve all seen 13 Going On 30 with Jennifer Garner by now.  I had a lazy Sunday afternoon last week and watched it for the zillionth time. At the end of the movie, the main character goes back to being 13 years old after getting the privelage of experiencing life as a 30 year old for a little while. It got me to thinking- don’t we all wish we had the privelage of knowing then what we know now? What would you tell your 13 year old self today?

10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

1. Spend more time learning how to accept your positive attributes, rather than criticizing and trying to change what you don’t like about yourself. Life is so freeing when you finally accept yourself and stop caring what other people think!

2. Stop thinking that everyone is watching you. Most people are too concerned about themselves and what others think to be watching how you walk across the room, or whether you wore those shoes two days ago or not.

3. Being unique and being yourself is way cooler than trying to be cool, or what everyone else wants you to be.

4. Give your parents a break. They are not perfect. They will make mistakes. They don’t care if they are cool. And oh yea, they go to bed early because they are completely exhausted from working and taking care of you all these years!

5. If you have a problem you can’t solve, tell someone. I don’t think I even knew the school had a counselor. Maybe we didn’t, but I wish I had known about who I could talk to about problems on campus. Teens are often hesitant to talk to their parents for fear of disappointing them, fear of getting in trouble, or because they think their parents may not understand. It’s a good idea to have a mentor for your teenager.

6. Don’t waist your time on relationships and friendships that bring you down. Surround yourself with relationships that build you up! Parents and teens should not underestimate the powerful influence of peers in a teenager’s life. They can make a huge difference in the path you take as a teen.

7. Enjoy this time! Life only gets harder, filling with more responsibilities and stressors. We don’t realize how easy life was until we are adults.

8. Don’t loose touch of your friends. A strong social network will follow you throughout your life and open up all kinds of doors.

9. Pay attention to what you are learning in your classes. You don’t want to end up on Jay Leno’s sidewalk skit of stupid people!

10. Go to a traditional university (UT!). I attended a local university and lived at home because we couldn’t afford for me to live on campus somewhere. I’ve always longed to have that traditional college experience.

What would you put on your list?  Would you do anything differently?

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August 3, 2012 · 8:25 am

Friday Wrap Up: Must Reads and Best Online Finds From the Week!

MY FAVORITE ARTICLES, QUOTES, AND OTHER FINDS FROM THE WEEK!

It’s Finally The Weekend!!

Every week I come across so many informative articles, funny and inspiring quotes, and cool websites. It’s impossible to post them all on my facebook page, so here’s what I came across this week.

Have a great weekend!

Helping Children Cope with the Aurora Tragedy by Momaroo

A senior Psychologist at the Children’s Hospital of Denver gives some great advice on helping children cope with the tragedy. It’s a good read and here are a few clips that stood out to me.

“First, parents have to compose themselves,” Dolgan said, stressing that parents should think carefully about what they want to say to their children before they begin what will likely be a difficult conversation.

Second, Dolgan recommended that parents actually let their children lead the way. “Kids are all over the place with where they are developmentally,” he said. In order to deal with these differences, creating an atmosphere in which your children feel comfortable approaching you with questions would be optimal. Dr. Richard Marafiote, another psychologist who has worked in Aurora for many years, stressed how important it is for parents to “tune in” to their children in moments like these.
“By and large I think about the importance of parents allowing their children to speak about how they feel rather than having those parents put on their children what they believe their child may think or feel,” he said. Finally, Dolgan suggested parents should try to “normalize” the situation as much as possible, while limiting media exposure. “What we’ve found with many studies is the more kids and parents see the same kind of visuals, the more traumatizing it is,” Dolgan said.

10 Affirmations to Help Parents Accept Themselves and Their Children by KidsDiscuss.com

The author reminds us that it’s important for children to have parents who are accepting of themselves, as well as the children.

5 Affirmations for Helping Parents Accept Their Child

1. I accept my child is different.

2. I accept my child is quiet.

3. I accept my child can be stubborn.

4. I accept my child takes time to warm up to things or people.

5. I accept my child gets upset quickly.

5 Self-Accepting Affirmations for Parents

1. I accept I am a human being before I am a parent.

2. I accept I have limitations and many shortcomings, and this is okay.

3. I accept I don’t always know the right way.

4. I accept I can be selfish and unthinking in my dealings with my child.

5. I accept I don’t always know how to respond to my child.

8 Bucket List Questions to Ask Yourself, by Alice Boyes, Ph.D. on Psychology Today

Have you thought of jotting down a bucket list, or do you already have a bucket list? This is a good guide for us to use to help stimulate some ideas!

1. Who would you like to meet?

2. Where would you like to travel? If you could only do 3 things when you got there, what would you pick?

3. What challenges (if successfully achieved) would give you the biggest confidence boost?

4. What bucket list goals have you thought about but not pursued because you’d feel embarrassed if anyone knew you had that goal?

5. What do you like consuming that you might like to have a go at producing?

e.g., writing or acting for TV, writing a song, making a film, writing a novel, cooking foods you like to eat, writing comedy.

6. When you imagine yourself as really, really relaxed and happy, what are you doing?

7. When you imagine yourself as awestruck or giddy with excitement, what are you doing?

8. What was unique about you as a little kid? What were you passionate about as a little kid that you stopped exploring as you got older?

Advice From A Tree- I love this!

Miniature Building From Around the World from toysofthetrade.com. These would be great to use for sand tray therapy.

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July 8, 2012 · 5:40 pm

Another Step In “All Tied Up with Worry”

If you have read my blog, you know I love sharing great therapeutic activities. I have already posted one of my favorites, which is using yarn to learn more about a person’s worries (see original post below). I added another step during a family therapy session that provided a strong visual impact and gave them an option to continue this technique at home.

  • I found face shapes of varying shades at a craft store and asked the client to choose a face that will represent them.

  • Instead of cutting paper squares to label the yarn, I used address labels since they are also stickers.
  • I then asked the client to stick each worry in the “brain” of their face shape. Once this was done, we talked about how worries can fill up their head and make it hard to think of other things, such as school work.

  • We then took each worry out of their “brain” and talked about various solutions and ways to deal with the worries. If the client chose, they could cut the worry down to make it shorter to indicate they felt a little better about the worry.

Since we used address labels to stick on the face shape, I demonstrated removing some of the worries. I emphasized the importance of talking about our problems and applying any stress reduction techniques we have reviewed in our sessions together. For this particular client, we referred to the relaxation flip books completed in a prior session.

  • The client took home their project and some blank labels so they can remove worries, or add worries. This was helpful for the mother to understand more about her child’s worries and removing or cutting a worry down also felt really good for the client!

Mom actually told me the whole family is on board in discussing their worries and the size of their worries with one another. This dialog has already improved the family’s communication and given the child permission to share their feelings with the parents. I was very excited to hear this!

Therapy is always full of opportunities for creativity. If you find another twist to this activity, or any others, please feel free to share!

Original Post On 4/16/12: 

Therapeutic Activity: All Tied Up With Worry

This is a great activity for helping someone to visualize their worries and gives great insight into what they may be worrying about the most. You can do this for yourself, your children, or professionals can use this on their clients. Great for all ages!!

The pictures below are from an actual client and I’ll discuss a little more about what I found.

What you will need: yarn, small squares of paper, and something to write with.

Next, talk about something the person worries about and pull out a string of yarn that represents how big the worry feels. Write the worry down on a piece of paper. Be sure to attach the worry to the string of yarn so you can keep track of which wory goes with which string of yarn.

Once all the worries have been mentioned and the yarn pulled, you can evaluate what you see. In my experience with this activity, I have found that some people have A LOT of worries. Others only have a few worries, but they may be really big. This also puts into perspective what worries are bigger than others. It’s a wonderful tool for gathering AND processing information!

This isn’t the greatest photo, but you can get the idea. There are three worries pictured, ranging in length from small to very long. The smallest worry is “worrying about mom not being able to support me” and the longest worry is getting in trouble for things he didn’t do. This is a school age child who had been getting into trouble so much lately that he was the first one pointed at when something went missing or a fight broke out in class. He was given an opportunity to talk about this issue and how he feels about getting in trouble so much.

This particular child did not have many worries, but some do. For those who have a lot of worries, we have balled up the yarn and talked about how all these worries in their head feel. Another option is to string the worries up into a web. I did this with a child around Halloween and he had a lot of fun, and actually added in some of those plastic spiders!

Many times the topics we are talking about can be emotionally heavy so adding in some fun and light-heartedness can help the person through the activity without leaving them feeling weighed down!

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Angry Paper Toss

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April 23, 2012 · 5:56 pm

Five Qualities of a Good Child Therapist

I probably don’t have to tell you that finding the right therapist to work with  you and your child is key to their success in treatment. If you are seeking help for the first time, or had a negative experience in the past, finding the right professional can be daunting. As a child therapist, I have talked with many parents who have been satisfied or dissatisfied with prior therapists. Using their feedback, as well as my own beliefs about the therapeutic process for children, I feel there are 5 key elements of a child therapist.

1. Knowledgeable:

Your therapist should be knowledgeable in child development, as well as in the problems and concerns you present. Specialized training in working with children, such as a certification in play therapy, is also important. Children are a very special population and require a treatment approach geared towards their developmental level.

2. Loves Children

This sounds obvious, but it is too important not to include. A therapist who claims to work with children should love children! Trust me when I say that your child will know if their therapist is not enthusiastic about them or their play.

3. Parent Involvement

Your child’s therapist should show a willingness to communicate with you regularly. This communication can include feedback from the child’s treatment, parenting techniques, and suggestions for helping the child outside of the session. Parents should also feel open to asking the therapist questions and sharing regular updates on how things are going at home and at school.

4. Coordinates Care with Other Professionals

Children who attend school or daycare are likely exhibiting their behaviors in the classroom. In fact, many parents seek counseling because their teachers have expressed concerns and want help as well. It may also be important to communicate with your child’s pediatrician, especially if medication is involved. A willingness to collaborate with your child’s teachers, doctor, or other providers can further foster their success outside of the play room.

5. Establishes Good Rapport

Just like any other relationship, you will connect with some therapists and not with others. Especially in a field when you are trusting this professional with intimate details of yourself and your life, you want someone you are comfortable with and trust. Your child will feel the same in their sessions so be sure they enjoy being with that individual.

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A Simple Explanation of Play Therapy

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April 18, 2012 · 5:35 pm

Commitment, Success, Then JOY

A Lesson From One Child’s Triumph Over Anxiety

“Joy Is the Feeling of Grinning Inside”

This quote by Melba Colgrove is a good description of how I felt today when I took note of a client’s success in therapy. Of all the topics I have to discuss, I felt it most appropriate to share a success story with you. What I hope you take from this example, is that success does come! Those who find success in the journey to self-improvement, whether they are children, teens, or adults, endure many challenges and sometimes harsh moments of self-reflection, to reach that place of “grinning inside.”

Therapy is not much different than committing to an exercise routine. In fact, they are very much the same as each are forms of self-improvement- one of the body and the other of the mind. Each require you to make a decision, a commitment for change and self-improvement. Each are more successful with the guidance from a professional. And each have both painful, challenging moments, as well as personally revealing and rewarding moments.

Joy in Her New Confidence

My success story today is about a young client. I will call her Shelly for the purpose of this post. Shelly is an elementary age child who came to me to address her severe anxiety, which was coupled with a very low self-esteem and poor self-confidence. Shelly had difficulty in her school and other activities because she would become so emotional and anxious over the tasks presented to her. In Shelly’s therapy sessions, I allowed her to direct her play and make the decisions about what she called the toys and how she played with them. In other words, I gave Shelly a safe environment to test herself and encouraged her to develop confidence in her capabilities. At first, this was so difficult for her. She wanted me to identify every toy and tell her where to go and became visibly upset when I encouraged her to decide. Shelly would also attempt puzzles and other mastery type toys, only to give up and express defeat when they became a challenge to her.

Fast forward about 9 months. In recent sessions, Shelly has come into the playroom with eagerness and excitement. She looks around the room and makes a quick decision on what she wants to play with or complete. Sometimes, she chooses more mastery toys and makes sure I watch her as she attempts the challenge over and over again until she is satisfied. Other times, she will choose an art activity in which she will decide what to paint and what colors to use (yes, she sought my approval on her colors at first!). Shelly will also choose to play with dolls or house items, such as the kitchen. I am no longer needed to name the items for her, as she will confidently tell me she is serving cake and pizza! This new self-confidence has also revealed her excellent ability to problem solve. I was so excited to observe her solve several of her own “problems” today during play by coming up with unique solutions and actively seeking items in the room that may help her with her dilemma. When she needed my help, she would appropriately ask for it. What a treat to witness!

So, if you are in therapy, have a child in therapy, or are a professional, you know that feeling like nothing you do makes a difference or that progress is moving so very slow. I’m here to remind you today that success can be possible. Please join me in this joyous feeling today as we now all know of one little girl will enjoy a fuller and healthier life!

LIFE IS…
by Mother Theresa

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

For more inspirational poems or quotes, check out Affirmations-for-Success.com and athorsden.com.

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Living In The Moment

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April 16, 2012 · 4:51 pm

Therapeutic Activity: All Tied Up with Worry

This is a great activity for helping someone to visualize their worries and gives great insight into what they may be worrying about the most. You can do this for yourself, your children, or professionals can use this on their clients. Great for all ages!!

The pictures below are from an actual client and I’ll discuss a little more about what I found.

What you will need: yarn, small squares of paper, and something to write with.

 

Next, talk about something the person worries about and pull out a string of yarn that represents how big the worry feels. Write the worry down on a piece of paper. Be sure to attach the worry to the string of yarn so you can keep track of which wory goes with which string of yarn.

Once all the worries have been mentioned and the yarn pulled, you can evaluate what you see. In my experience with this activity, I have found that some people have A LOT of worries. Others only have a few worries, but they may be really big. This also puts into perspective what worries are bigger than others. It’s a wonderful tool for gathering AND processing information!

This isn’t the greatest photo, but you can get the idea. There are three worries pictured, ranging in length from small to very long.  The smallest worry is “worrying about mom not being able to support me” and the longest worry is getting in trouble for things he didn’t do. This is a school age child who had been getting into trouble so much lately that he was the first one pointed at when something went missing or a fight broke out in class. He was given an opportunity to talk about this issue and how he feels about getting in trouble so much.

This particular child did not have many worries, but some do. For those who have a lot of worries, we have balled up the yarn and talked about how all these worries in their head feel. Another option is to string the worries up into a web. I did this with a child around Halloween and he had a lot of fun, and actually added in some of those plastic spiders!

Many times the topics we are talking about can be emotionally heavy so adding in some fun and light-heartedness can help the person through the activity without leaving them feeling weighed down!

You may also like Angry Paper Toss!

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April 9, 2012 · 5:30 pm

Ask “What hasn’t changed?

We often think of people feeling depressed or angry about events in their life that are out of the ordinary. However, I have been working with several clients on issues related to areas in their life that don’t seem to change. Those things that continue to be a problem or a hassle for them and they begin to feel helpless to make changes. When I think about it, it’s those difficult and challenging constants that can wear on a person and really cause negative feelings, like anger and frustration, to build up inside.
I often ask a client at some point during the session how things are going and if there is anything new that happened since our last appointment. I was running into a road block with some not sharing much, so, I decided to start asking them what has stayed the same for them lately. Wow, I have been quite pleased with how much we can learn from that simple question.
Here are a few examples of how this worked out:
Me: “So, what’s new since our last session?”
Client: “Nothin”
Me: “Hmm, Ok so let’s talk about what’s not so new. Talk to me about what kinds of things haven’t changed. What is the same?”
Client: “Well, my mom is still nagging me and I’m still deciding to ignore her” (client says with grin on face). “And she still pays attention to my brother all the time…” And the conversation went on from there.
In this first scenario, we identified a pattern with the client and their mother. Recognizing patterns in your life are very powerful when it comes to making changes.
Me: “So, how have things been? We didn’t see each other last week. Are there any updates with your situation?”
Client: “Not really”
Me: “Ok then, tell me about what is the same with you/your situation?”
Client: “Well I’m still playing video games a lot. Oh yea, and someone is still stealing my bike and I have to punch him all the time to get it back.”
In the second scenario, the client was able to share about ongoing bullying they face. This ends up being a key component to their feelings of anger and reasons for their recent behaviors.

As you can see, we were able to get at a lot more by talking about what hasn’t changed

Parents, if you are having a difficult time getting through to your child or adolescent, consider talking to them about those areas of their life that aren’t changing. Consider what may be so persistent in their life that they feel hopeless for change. You may actually hear some really good things as well!

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March 21, 2012 · 2:55 am

A Trustworthy Mentor for Your Adolescent

Being a therapist to so many adolescents and pre-adolescents has given me a unique opportunity that most parents never experience. I am privy to information about the inner lives and social lives of these kids during what some people consider the most difficult times of growing up. The teen and pre-teen years are riddled with self-identification, hormonal changes, and social pressures that most of us would not return to in a million years, even if there are some good memories sprinkled here and there. As their therapist, it’s my job to determine when a parent needs to be made aware of certain circumstances, and when maintaining confidentiality is in the best interest of the teen. This is a struggle for parents sometimes, but I have found that most often they are comfortable (and even relieved) in knowing that their teenager is in good hands. I take this as a compliment when they have confidence in my judgement and I value this confidence and trust, from both the parent and the adolescent.

However, not all kids are in counseling or need to be in counseling though. Does this mean the adolescent is not being faced with a difficult personal decision or facing social pressures they feel they cannot handle? Absolutely not.  No matter who they are, they will face some very challenging circumstances during these years. And unfortunately, they may find it too difficult to come to a parent for help. Even when they have a great relationship with a parent, sometimes, they worry about disappointing their mom or dad. Other times, they overestimate their maturity or ability to handle the problem.

I recommend that parents encourage their adolescent to have a relationship with another adult that the parent trusts as well, such as a godparent, grandparent, or close family friend. Give them permission to confide in this person in the event they feel they cannot talk to their parents. The purpose of this is so that the teen has a safe person to turn to and the parent also feels comfortable their child is in good hands. Many times, this trusted adult can help the child tell their parent about the situation by being a support, and guide them in making better choices.

My final note on this topic is to always continue to build and maintain a positive and healthy relationship with your teenager because ultimately, you want them to confide in you for guidance and support. As a parent, I want more than anything to have a close relationship with my son and daughter. Experience has taught me though that this doesn’t mean they will tell me everything going on in their lives, especially during the adolescent years. For parents who have raised a teenager or two, I am always wondering, how did you do it? I would love to hear your comments!

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March 7, 2012 · 10:22 pm

Totika Game

Totika is one of my favorite therapy tools to use with clients 7 years and older. I even recommend parents buy this game to play with your family. It is similar to Jenga, except it comes with questions that you answer between each piece that is pulled from the tower. I’m sure my fellow therapists out there are familiar with this one and hopefully they have as much success as I do. It comes with a Self-Esteem Deck of Cards, but you can also buy the Teen-Adult Questions as well.

There are literally thousands of questions, but here are a few of the them just to give you an idea of what to expect:

Self-Esteem Questions-

  • If you are feeling unmotivated, who helps you get yourself going?
  • If you thought someone was laughing at you, what might you do?
  • What might you feel when you make a wise decision?
  • If you could get rid of one thing that irritates you, what would it be?
  • What might you be able to teach others?
  • What would you like to see change for you in the future?
  • Who are three of your role models?
  • Who notices when you do something well?

Teen-Adult Questions:

  • If you had it all to do again, what might you like to know sooner in life?
  • What are you doing to live a healthy life?
  • If you could be successful at anything, what might you do?
  • What are your three highest priorities in life?
  • What is the single most important choice you have made?
  • How might you describe faith?
  • What has brought you immense joy in life?

As you can see, there are a lot of really good questions that encourage thought and self-reflection. This game can be purchased online at www.selfhelpwarehouse.com or possibly www.childtherapytoys.com for around $20. Have fun! :)

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March 5, 2012 · 11:40 pm

Helping Your Child or Teen Through Difficult Times

I was watching the news last week on the most recent school shootings in Ohio and saw an interview from one of the students who was so close to death that the bullet grazed his ear. The thought of how close he was to death and how his parents could have been mourning their son takes my breath away. Life can, and most likely will, change when we least expect it. Within the last two years, I’ve either experienced for myself or known someone personally who has experienced anything from death, family illness, divorce, and life changes like having a baby or kids going off to college. Life challenges that can stop you and your family in your tracks or maybe even change the course of your life forever. Even positive changes require some adjustments.

As a parent, you wonder about how your kids are doing no matter what their age. What should you say to them? Are they old enough to understand? How will this affect them in the long term? Are they coping ok? Should I seek help and if so, from who? These are often difficult questions to answer and even professionals may not have the answers you are looking for.

Thousands of books and websites exist and hours of therapy sessions have taken place to cover this topic and answer these questions. So, I’m not going to attempt to give you all the answers in one blog. However, I can share with you a few thoughts I have learned through my personal experiences and in working with families through these experiences.

  • First, no matter what the circumstance, you are not alone. Seek out support from others who can relate to your situation through support groups, read books and online materials, and take comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has gone through this. Also seek comfort from people you trust, such as close friends, church family, or a therapist.
  • Don’t be afraid to show your emotions around your children. If you are crying, let them know you are sad, but that being around people you love is comforting. This shows them that feeling sad is normal, but also teaches them that spending time with family can be helpful when they feel sad.
  • If necessary to involve your kids, talk to them about the situation using developmentally appropriate language. This means, don’t add in adult language or unnecessary facts.
  • Kids may ask a lot of questions, but they usually want to know that they are going to be ok and that you are going to be ok. Reassure them that you are handling things as best that you can and that you are there for them when things get difficult.
  • If your child’s life will be changing, let them know what to expect. For example, if you will be spending less time at home because you are at the hospital with a sick parent, let them know you may not see them as much, but that you will be sure to add in extra time on the weekend.
  • Never put responsibility on your child or teen to solve a family problem or to be responsible for other people’s emotions. Putting a child in the role of parent is never healthy.
  • Give your child or teen an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about what is going on. This can be through drawing pictures, talking to you about how they feel and asking you questions, or even just crying on your shoulder.
  • Challenges and disappointments in life are inevitable and part of being a child is to learn how to handle difficult situations. Use this opportunity to model for your child and teach your child how to handle hard times.

When to seek help: Expect that difficult situations usually means your child is dealing with it one way or the other. Just like all adults will react different, so will kids. You may see irritability, anger, sadness, behavior changes, or changes to how they sleep or eat. Some kids may become more clingy to you and others may isolate themselves. Stay in contact with their teachers or coaches as well so you know how they are doing at school or daycare. Being a professional counselor, I lean towards seeking help sooner rather than later. There is no harm in asking questions or at least getting a consultation. When deciding when to seek help, the key is to look at how extreme the behavior is and how long it has been occurring. If this goes on for weeks, escalates, and/or is affecting their functioning significantly, seek professional help. As a parent, you know your child better than anybody so use that parent instinct. If you don’t know a mental health professional, talk to your pediatrician about your concerns and seek a referral from them.

Families will always face challenges and change. Trust that you have the strength and support to get through your special circumstance and seek help when you need it. In future posts, I will talk about more specific situations, like divorce, illness, introducting a new baby, adoptions, and so on. If you have a request, feel free to send me a message! Questions and comments on this topic are welcome!

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