Tag Archives: change

September 18, 2012 · 10:45 am

Dos and Don’ts of Divorcing With Kids

background courtesy freedigitalphotos.net

Next to grief, divorce is one of the most painful things a family can go through, for both the adults and kids (I refer to kids, children, and teens interchangeably). While no divorce or family circumstance is the same, there are some general rules of “do” and “don’t” that can make a huge difference in the emotional impact of the children involved. I encourage all parents who are separating, considering divorce, or divorcing, to be thoughtful in how this transition is handled.

P.S.

Rule of Thumb: Kids mostly want to know they are loved and accepted by both parents.14

I wish I could highlight every single one on this list because they are equally important.

DO…

  • Prepare your kids for what changes to expect. If you know you will be staying with the grandparents for a little while, or pick up extra hours at work, tell the kids. They are probably already feeling anxious about the recent divorce or separation and unexpected changes will only make it worse.
  •  Validate their feelings. Let them know the feelings they have- worry, sadness, anger, etc.- are normal and expected. There is no shame in having these emotions.
  • Allow them opportunities to talk. You will probably be feeling pretty overwhelmed yourself, but be sure to take time to listen. Encourage conversation, show empathy, and answer questions in an age-appropriate manner.
  • Seek professional help. Counseling will give your child a safe place to process what has happened, as well as give you peace of mind that a professional can help navigate the many feelings surrounding divorce.
  • Make an effort to spend time with your kids without distractions. Your kids need you. Bottom line. Even if you are no longer living in the home, make an effort to spend quality time with them.
  • Keep as much consistency and routine as possible. There have been so many changes, maintaining consistency anywhere you can will help alleviate some of the anxiety they will likely be feeling. This includes morning and night routines, child care providers, and extra curricular activities.
  • Expect  your kids to have questions. Don’t be alarmed or worried if your kids have questions or assummptions. Imagine being their age and being involved in such a major life transition that is surrounded complex adult issues. No doubt there will be questions!
  • Be accountable and consistent. If you make promises or plans with your kids, follow through. If it turns out you absolutely cannot keep a committment, talk with them and try to make it up. Let them know their needs are recognized and important

DON’T…

  • Talk bad about the other parent to your kids. Trying to divide children between one parent and the other is harmful and puts them in a very hard position. 
  • Tell your kids not to cry. Crying is a healthy way to express sadness, and other feelings. If you feel the crying is inappropriate or excessive, seek professional advice to help them process these changes.
  • Expect your kids to take a side. Kids love, and desire love and acceptance from both parents. It’s not fair to expect them to take sides.
  • Talk about adult issues in front of your kids, including relationship and financial problems. Even if they don’t say so, kids will often worry about their parents. Discussing these adult concerns in front of them is inappropriate at all times, and especially during a major life change.
  • Spoil the kids just to be the “good parent” or because your feel guilty. Kids always need structure and boundaries, even during divorce.
  • Ignore the warning signs of depression, anxiety, or other emotional disturances. If you are worried your child or teen is not coping well, don’t ignore the signs you are noticing. It’s always better to seek help sooner rather than later.

HelpGuide.org has a fantastic article on helping children cope with divorce and separation. I really like this list from a child going through divorce:

What I need from my mom and dad: A child’s list of wants

  • I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
  • Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
  • I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
  • Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.
  • When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
  • Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Source: University of Missouri

1 Comment

Filed under Divorce and Separation

Tagged as , , , ,

August 2, 2012 · 8:57 am

Heading Back To School Already!

I can’t believe it’s already time for kids to go back to school. Summer seemed so much longer when I was a kid (has the summer been shortened?)! One of the best ways to prepare your kids for starting school is by reading about school! There are some really good books out there so here are some to choose from.

My two personal favorites are Wimberly Worried and The Kissing Hand.  Both of these books touch on the anxiety kids can have about being away from a parent and making friends when they go to school.

 

Cover art of children's picture book First Grade Jitters Annabelle Swift KindergartnerBack to School with BetsyThe Berenstain Bears Go to SchoolBilly And The Big New SchoolChanges, Changes

Curious George Goes to SchoolThe Day the Teacher Went BananasDo You Want to Be My Friend? miniAmelia Bedelia's First Day of SchoolFirst Day, Hooray!Cover art of The Bully Blockers Club picture book for kids

Annabelle Swift KindergartnerFranklin Goes to SchoolFriends at SchoolFroggy Goes to SchoolI Love School!Kindergarten Rocks!The Kissing HandLook Out Kindergarten, Here I ComeMiss Bindergarten Gets Ready for KindergartenMom, It's My First Day of Kindergarten!My KindergartenWelcome to KindergartenWemberly WorriedWhen Kangaroo Goes To SchoolWhen You Go to KindergartenWill I Have a FriendI Am Too Absolutely Small for SchoolLittle SchoolFirst Grade Stinks!

References:

PDF: Children’s Books About Starting School

About.com

You May Also Like:

Using Signs To Teach Your Toddler About Feelings

Five Characteristics of a Good Child Therapist

Is It Possible To Choose Our Mood?

1 Comment

Filed under Book Reviews

Tagged as , , , , , ,

May 14, 2012 · 5:39 pm

Exploring the Benefits of Unwanted Behaviors

“We often talk about the reasons for changing unhealthy behaviors, but rarely stop to consider, or admit to, how those behaviors are beneficial. How is that behavior working for you?”

A frustrated and tired woman sat in front of me not too long ago. She is admirably raising a teenager who is not her own with the heart and energy as if they were. These cases are often complex in that a child who suffered through an unhealthy and chaotic beginning with their biological family is now in a nurturing and loving home. Yet, the child’s behavior is persistently challenging and inappropriate. Positive reinforcement, verbal reasoning, empathy… nothing seems to break through to the child’s challenging behaviors.

During a recent session, I sat with this particular teenager discussing their behavior. “I want to change” and “I’m ready to change” were the talking points. “So, why haven’t you?” I challenged. The response was “I don’t know.”

Where do you go from there? Someone says they want to change, but they don’t. This is when the meat of real issues comes into play and self-discovery is key to moving forward. I get very excited to reach these points in therapy!!

In this particular situation, I had the client start a “Positive and Negative” list of their “bad” behaviors. In other words, what is the benefit for you to continue with your current choices? We often talk about the reasons for changing unhealthy behaviors, but rarely stop to consider, or admit to, how those behaviors are beneficial. How is that behavior working for you?

In my experience, there are several reasons people may not be making changes in their lives they know should, and can, be made.

Comfort Zones. People become comfortable with their current circumstances and taking steps towards change would require them to adjust to new circumstances. A woman who has an opportunity to leave a bad relationship, but doesn’t, could fall into this category. Some people even become comfortable with being in a bad mood. Have you ever realized you were being grumpy, but didn’t feel like getting un-grumpy? Imagine this as a lifestyle and you can see how difficult change can be for those individuals.

Fear. Not knowing anything different, or not knowing what things will be like if you do make a change, can keep people from taking steps towards change. In the situation above, I suspect this teen fears stability and happiness. They have never experienced a family life without discord. There may even be some fear they would mess it up if they actually succeeded in getting there in the first place. Fear is a powerful paralytic.

Need-to-please. The need to please others has stopped many people from making choices and taking steps for change. What will my friends think? How will they feel? “I must please everyone except myself” is a need-to-please self-talk that justifies staying the same.

Positive Reinforcements. Feedback in the form of praise, opinions, money, etc. can be a huge motivator for someone to continue down their current path. Kids and teens often fall into this category when it comes to behavior. Although they may get detention and nagging at home for skipping class, these kids are getting some serious positive reinforcement from their peers. They are “cool” or a “bad” kid. Image holds a lot of weight in their choices. Little kids often use negative behavior for attention. They will do anything to get you to look at them instead of your phone!

Coping Mechanism. We have all heard of good and bad coping mechanisms. Maybe the habit you are trying to break is one of your only coping skills? It’s really hard to give that up when you don’t have another coping outlet to use instead. Try finding another outlet for your stress, anxiety, anger, depression, and so on.

The possibilities are endless when it comes to why we don’t make changes we know are good for us. What are the benefits of your behavior? How do your “bad” choices work in your favor? If you have been meaning to make a change, such as leaving a bad relationship or stopping a bad habit, do some soul searching. Consider the benefits of the negative behaviors or choices first. You may be surprised at what you discover. Only then can you move forward in your decision to change or stay the same!

You may also like:

Reaching Potential Beyond Our Comfort Zone

1 Comment

Filed under Problems and Concerns

Tagged as , , , , , ,

April 9, 2012 · 5:30 pm

Ask “What hasn’t changed?

We often think of people feeling depressed or angry about events in their life that are out of the ordinary. However, I have been working with several clients on issues related to areas in their life that don’t seem to change. Those things that continue to be a problem or a hassle for them and they begin to feel helpless to make changes. When I think about it, it’s those difficult and challenging constants that can wear on a person and really cause negative feelings, like anger and frustration, to build up inside.
I often ask a client at some point during the session how things are going and if there is anything new that happened since our last appointment. I was running into a road block with some not sharing much, so, I decided to start asking them what has stayed the same for them lately. Wow, I have been quite pleased with how much we can learn from that simple question.
Here are a few examples of how this worked out:
Me: “So, what’s new since our last session?”
Client: “Nothin”
Me: “Hmm, Ok so let’s talk about what’s not so new. Talk to me about what kinds of things haven’t changed. What is the same?”
Client: “Well, my mom is still nagging me and I’m still deciding to ignore her” (client says with grin on face). “And she still pays attention to my brother all the time…” And the conversation went on from there.
In this first scenario, we identified a pattern with the client and their mother. Recognizing patterns in your life are very powerful when it comes to making changes.
Me: “So, how have things been? We didn’t see each other last week. Are there any updates with your situation?”
Client: “Not really”
Me: “Ok then, tell me about what is the same with you/your situation?”
Client: “Well I’m still playing video games a lot. Oh yea, and someone is still stealing my bike and I have to punch him all the time to get it back.”
In the second scenario, the client was able to share about ongoing bullying they face. This ends up being a key component to their feelings of anger and reasons for their recent behaviors.

As you can see, we were able to get at a lot more by talking about what hasn’t changed

Parents, if you are having a difficult time getting through to your child or adolescent, consider talking to them about those areas of their life that aren’t changing. Consider what may be so persistent in their life that they feel hopeless for change. You may actually hear some really good things as well!

2 Comments

Filed under Family Life, Teens

Tagged as , , , ,

April 4, 2012 · 3:03 am

A Few Simple Tips on Handling Transitions with Your Kids

You’re finishing up your coffee talk at your best friend’s house while your kids play joyously together in the next room. When it’s time to go, you get that sick feeling in your stomach because it means another battle with your little one. Every time you have to end one activity and go on to the next, whether it be outside time, school, or nap time, you never know how big of a fight you will have to put up. When kids don’t transition well, it is draining on the parents and any other person involved in the care taking. From a kid’s perspective, imagine you are engrossed in your favorite hobby or really good book and someone interrupts you to tend to something else. OK, who are we kidding? Most parents experience this every day! So, you know how frustrating that can be and hard it is to pull yourself away. For kids, it’s even worse because they don’t see the bigger picture, it is not by choice, and they don’t yet have the skills to deal with these emotions and disappointments. Hopefully I can offer a few tips to make these moments a little smoother. If you have tried any others, please share!

  • Give them a warning of the upcoming transition. Let them know they have 5 minutes left, then 3 minutes. A visual works best in this case because kids are not the best judges of time. You can also use quantities, such as “you can go down the swing two more times,” or “after your turn on the game it will be time to leave.” Here are some options for the visual timers. I use the simple egg timer, sand timer, or the alarm on my phone (nothing fancy with me!).

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

  • Make transitions as short as needed, depending on your child’s needs and developmental level. For example, if I have a kid who really struggles with leaving the play room, I may tell him we are first going to walk to the edge of the stairs. Once we are there, I check in with him again and point to where we are going next. Eventually, this child will not need such small increments, but we need to meet the child where they are, not where we think they should be.
  • Give them verbal praise for small progresses they make in transitions. If your child usually takes 5 times of your telling him to do something, but today he only took 4, tell him you noticed how he listened and went faster today! If your child usually tantrums, full blown on the ground, but today it was more of a whine but no tantrum, give them verbal praise for keeping himself calm and following you quicker today.
  • Make the next stop exciting if possible. For example, if you are leaving a play date to get lunch, tell them “We get to go to Chick-fil-a and you can pick out the strips or the sandwich!” This gives them something to look forward to. If it is something like going to school, say “let’s go show Ms. Nancy your drawing you did this morning!”
  • For bigger transitions, like moving to a new house, having a new baby, or getting a dog, talk to them about what will happen. I also recommend reading books to them or doing an art activity. I talked with one mom who was worried about their upcoming move into a new house. She decided to draw a picture of the new house with her daughter and said she could see her getting really excited, especially when she drew her own room!
 Again, I hope I am able to give you some easy tips to try with transitions. Please feel free to share any others you have tried and any other questions or comments you have!
 References:
You may also like Good Job Kiddo!

2 Comments

Filed under Behavior Modification, Discipline, Limit Setting, Problems and Concerns

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

March 5, 2012 · 11:40 pm

Helping Your Child or Teen Through Difficult Times

I was watching the news last week on the most recent school shootings in Ohio and saw an interview from one of the students who was so close to death that the bullet grazed his ear. The thought of how close he was to death and how his parents could have been mourning their son takes my breath away. Life can, and most likely will, change when we least expect it. Within the last two years, I’ve either experienced for myself or known someone personally who has experienced anything from death, family illness, divorce, and life changes like having a baby or kids going off to college. Life challenges that can stop you and your family in your tracks or maybe even change the course of your life forever. Even positive changes require some adjustments.

As a parent, you wonder about how your kids are doing no matter what their age. What should you say to them? Are they old enough to understand? How will this affect them in the long term? Are they coping ok? Should I seek help and if so, from who? These are often difficult questions to answer and even professionals may not have the answers you are looking for.

Thousands of books and websites exist and hours of therapy sessions have taken place to cover this topic and answer these questions. So, I’m not going to attempt to give you all the answers in one blog. However, I can share with you a few thoughts I have learned through my personal experiences and in working with families through these experiences.

  • First, no matter what the circumstance, you are not alone. Seek out support from others who can relate to your situation through support groups, read books and online materials, and take comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has gone through this. Also seek comfort from people you trust, such as close friends, church family, or a therapist.
  • Don’t be afraid to show your emotions around your children. If you are crying, let them know you are sad, but that being around people you love is comforting. This shows them that feeling sad is normal, but also teaches them that spending time with family can be helpful when they feel sad.
  • If necessary to involve your kids, talk to them about the situation using developmentally appropriate language. This means, don’t add in adult language or unnecessary facts.
  • Kids may ask a lot of questions, but they usually want to know that they are going to be ok and that you are going to be ok. Reassure them that you are handling things as best that you can and that you are there for them when things get difficult.
  • If your child’s life will be changing, let them know what to expect. For example, if you will be spending less time at home because you are at the hospital with a sick parent, let them know you may not see them as much, but that you will be sure to add in extra time on the weekend.
  • Never put responsibility on your child or teen to solve a family problem or to be responsible for other people’s emotions. Putting a child in the role of parent is never healthy.
  • Give your child or teen an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about what is going on. This can be through drawing pictures, talking to you about how they feel and asking you questions, or even just crying on your shoulder.
  • Challenges and disappointments in life are inevitable and part of being a child is to learn how to handle difficult situations. Use this opportunity to model for your child and teach your child how to handle hard times.

When to seek help: Expect that difficult situations usually means your child is dealing with it one way or the other. Just like all adults will react different, so will kids. You may see irritability, anger, sadness, behavior changes, or changes to how they sleep or eat. Some kids may become more clingy to you and others may isolate themselves. Stay in contact with their teachers or coaches as well so you know how they are doing at school or daycare. Being a professional counselor, I lean towards seeking help sooner rather than later. There is no harm in asking questions or at least getting a consultation. When deciding when to seek help, the key is to look at how extreme the behavior is and how long it has been occurring. If this goes on for weeks, escalates, and/or is affecting their functioning significantly, seek professional help. As a parent, you know your child better than anybody so use that parent instinct. If you don’t know a mental health professional, talk to your pediatrician about your concerns and seek a referral from them.

Families will always face challenges and change. Trust that you have the strength and support to get through your special circumstance and seek help when you need it. In future posts, I will talk about more specific situations, like divorce, illness, introducting a new baby, adoptions, and so on. If you have a request, feel free to send me a message! Questions and comments on this topic are welcome!

1 Comment

Filed under Family Life, Problems and Concerns, Teens

Tagged as , , , , , , ,