Tag Archives: teens

November 11, 2012 · 8:54 am

Why I Became A Licensed Professional Counselor

“Why did you decide to become a Professional Counselor?”

I get this question fairly often. Mostly from new counseling graduates or clients who have been seeing me for long enough. For me, being a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) is an honor and a challenge. To fully answer this quesiton, I would have to start by talking briefly about what I do as an LPC.

My “Job” as an LPC

I put the word “job” in parenthesis because I often don’t feel as if this is a job lately. I am in the profession of helping people through a wide variety of problems.

Here are a few things I get to do on the “job.”

Listen: I listen to what my clients have to say. Many times, people feel they talk but they are not heard. They feel as if they share their feelings, but the underlying meaning of why they are feeling that way is not brought to light. So, I listen for what is being said, but also to whay is not being said.
Recognize: I am training to recognize many things as an LPC. Some of these include signs of unhealthy boundaries, indications of a mental illness, patterns of behavior, and structural patterns in relationships.
Validate: This cannot be underestimated in my role. People often need validation and empathy in order to fully heal.
Plan: I establish a plan to help my clients with the issues they bring to me. This includes coming up with goals and ways to reach those goals.
Encourage: I encourage my clients in reaching their goals, making progress in their life, and reaching healthy milestones.
Advise: I advise clients in handling certain situations, such as handling a child’s visitation after divorce, talking with doctor’s and teachers about what is going on.
Play!: As a play therapist, engaging children during therapeutic play is one of my roles, and definitely one of my favorites.

The Reason I Chose Counseling (A Rare Moment of Personal Disclosure)

I am an only child and grew up in a 2 parent home. I can say confidently and thankfully that I am loved by both parents and a small extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I had a happy childhood. However, starting around middle school, I began to experience the challenges that I believe most adolescents experience. I started a new school as well, which added to some of the social challenges of the time. Making friends was difficult for me and I found myself being bullied pretty regularly. This was more of the relational aggression bullying that we see among girls. I remember feeling confused and lonely. I did not have siblings or friends to talk to and I don’t remember my school having a school counselor either. I began surrounding myself with anyone who would be my friend, no matter whether they were a good influence or not.

I finally made my way to high school. My grades were good and I was making a few more friends. But then I got the dreaded boyfriend. You know the one that every mother and father despises and wants to keep far from their daughters. I will skip the details of this time in my life, but I’m sure you can fill in the blanks with your own experience, or one of someone you know. The bottom line is that I again felt lonely and confused. I actually wanted OUT of the relationship with this boy, but I felt trapped and scared. If only I had someone to talk to and help me sort it all out in a healthy and safe way.

Why didn’t I talk to my parents? This is where my career choice will begin to make sense for you. I didn’t tell my parents how scared and lonely I felt for many reasons (that I can only now finally to put into words):

Embarrassment. I was embarrassed to admit I made mistakes and needed help.
Fear. I was afraid what would happen if they intervened.
Disappointment. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, especially being an only child and all.
Pride. As a teenager, you are trying to prove yourself as an adult and admitting mistakes doesn’t help your case.

Putting It All Together

So that’s my personal story of some difficult times when I really needed a counselor as an adolescent. I’m confident the outcome could have been different, as well as saving myself and my family some grief. However, like most challenges and triumphs in our life, those experiences made me who I am today! I am in the business of helping people who are lonely, need answers, feel depressed, or don’t know the healthiest way to handle their circumstance.

I have mentioned in other posts, the importance of finding a mentor for your teenager and it’s for the reasons I stated above that I believe this is so important. With the rise of depression in teens, divorce, autism, and so much more, I don’t ever want a teenager, child, adult, or parent to feel they are alone and don’t have someone to talk to and help.

There are many professionals in the helping profession who follow this blog. I would love to hear how you decided this was the career for you!

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Filed under About Me

Tagged as about kim, adolescent, career, counseling, depression, LPC, mental-health, professional counselor, teenager, teens

September 5, 2012 · 6:10 am

5 Common Problems at School That Lead to Counseling

Throughout the school year, I get quite a few calls from concerned parents about their child or teen. Sometimes, the issues are stemming from something at home, and other times, it may be stemming from issues at school. Either way, it makes sense that a lot of the behaviors and struggles are observed on school grounds first.

What school problems are most commonly reported when parents seek therapy?

1. Not paying attention in class.

When a child or teen is reported as not paying attention in class, parents often worry right away their child has ADHD. While this is certainly a possibility, inattention can also be a symptom of boredom, lack of sleep or adequate nutrition, or preoccupation with other problems. When inattention is such a problem that the child’s grades are suffering, or it is causing them emotional distress, it’s best to seek professional intervention.

2. Difficulty making friends.

In my experience, this is most common with kids in elementary school who are just getting started in the school social scene. The possibility of a disorder on the Autism spectrum is always looming when parents report social difficulties. While we want to look at all possibilities, this can also be a symptom of a child who is shy, inexperienced in social settings, or even suffering from a mild form of social phobia. If the teachers are reporting this is a problem, or the child is telling you they are worried, and the problem persists despite your greatest efforts, seek professional advisement.

3. Disruptive in class.

When a child or teen is disruptive in class, it is usually treated as strictly a behavior problem without considering all the potential reasons for their behavior. Many times, like most of these issues, there is an underlying reason. First, kids and teens are extremely vulnerable to the need for social acceptance. This need can drive them to behave in ways that will get them into trouble, or even put their safety at risk. They may also be disruptive because they are bored, cannot understand the teacher, cannot see the teacher, or not challenged. This child may also be struggling with the material and find they are so far behind that it “saves face” to look as if they are failing because they don’t care, rather than being unable to understand the material. Many, many possibilities!

4. Reports of aggressiveness or anger.

When children act aggressivetly towards others, or express such a high level of anger, it can be worrisome. It breaks my heart to see a young person feeling so negative. In my experience, these kids don’t want to feel this way. They are often angry about something going on a home, such as a divorce, or an issue at school, such as a bully. When a child is this angry, seek help from a professional so they can work through some of that anger, as well as learn some more positive coping skills.

5. Failing grades.

When kids fail their classes, it’s best to determine the reason as soon as possible. The longer the issue goes on, the more and more behind they will fall. Not only may they repeat a grade, but they can feel defeated and believe they are not smart. This is rarely the case. Talk to the teachers and the student to find out more about what subjects they are failing. Is it test grades or homework? These details can help you discover the possible root of the problem. Finally, talk with a professional about your next step. They may be a candidate for psychological testing or therapy.

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Filed under Problems and Concerns

Tagged as ADD, ADHD, aggression, anger, autism, behavior, counseling, difficulty making friends, difficulty paying attention, failing grades, inattention, play therapy, school, social problems, teens, therapy

June 6, 2012 · 3:50 pm

Possible Reasons Your Teen “Just Doesn’t Give A Care” Anymore

If you are a parent of a teenager, you probably wonder what happened to your carefree, happy-g0-lucky kid. In exchange, you have what sometimes seems like a completely different person. Your little one is now no longer so little and extremely moody and doesn’t seem to care about much of anything anymore.

One of the most frustrating things about this stage is their ”I don’t care” attitude- apathy. What exactly does this mean? Is your teenager depressed? Is this normal?

One mother on Depression Forums says “My teenage son (19 yrs old), since probably his Junior year in highschool has completely lost the motivation to do ANYTHING other than sleep and play video games. ” Like many other parents, she worries because he is very bright and has so much potential for his future.

Concerned parents are looking for answers to these discouraging changes in their adolescents. I found a great article on

apathetic adolescents with good, thorough info on this very topic. An article by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D, author of “The Connected Father,” sheds some light on why your once joyful andmotivated child is now an apathetic adolescent. He notes numerous causes for this apathy and some helpful ideas on how to identify which may be the case for your child. As always, if you have concerns, that nagging feeling something is not right, please seek help from a professional and talk to your pediatrician.

APATHY AS A PRETENSE. “I don’t care if you don’t like how I’m changing!” an eleven-year-old explodes as parents censor the new tough talk he has learned testing young manliness with male peers. But the parents stick to their standards: “How you talk with friends on the playground is your business; but how you talk at home is ours. None of that language here!”

It’s hard to be an early adolescent because what gains you points with peers can earn you demerits with parents. He still wants his parents’ good opinion, but to save face he pretends it doesn’t matter. His statement of apathy in this situation is really bravado speaking. What he actually feels is, “I care too much about what you think of the new me to let my caring show.”

Parents need to see the “I don’t care what you think” statement for what it is, and avoid strong statements of disapproval at this vulnerable age. Disagree with the young person’s choices when they feel they must, but don’t criticize his character when doing so.

APATHY AS BOREDOM. “There’s nothing I care to do!” moans the early adolescent (around ages 9 – 13) at a loss of how she can occupy herself. Having discarded childhood hobbies and possessions because she no longer wants to be defined and treated as a child, she doesn’t yet have older likes, interests, and activities to replace those that have been let go. When it comes to knowing how to meaningfully engage herself, for a while she is riding on empty.

While parents are often inclined to trivialize boredom in their adolescent, it is actually a very painful emotion. It is an expression of loneliness. The young person can’t find a satisfying way to connect with herself, other people, or the world. She feels disconnected, at loose ends. Although short term boredom creates the opportunity for the adolescent to develop her own resources and entertain herself, long term boredom should catch parental attention because it is often a staging area for impulse. The young person is willing to do something, anything, with friends to escape the emptiness they share. This is a time when parents need to keep their adolescent adequately busy so impulsive risk-taking to cope with long term boredom is not allowed to rule.

APATHY AS DEFIANCE. “Who cares about grades?” protests the middle school student to parents, as academic performance falls from failing effort. “It should be good enough to just get by.” The formerly high performing young man is rejecting the importance of school achievement to which he was committed as a child and that his parents still are. By this expression of apathy he intends to show the adult world he is no longer wants to be wed to the values of childhood. Not caring about what mattered to the child and what matters to parents feels like an expression of adolescent independence.

But for his future sake at this disaffected time, the parents insist that all school work will be done, and apply their oversight to make it so. “Although we understand how school performance matters less to you at the moment, we still expect you to pay attention in class, complete all the homework, study for all the tests, and if you can’t make yourself do all this, we will give you our support of our supervision, even if that means showing up at school to help you take care of studies there.”

APATHY AS A DEFENSE. “I don’t care about serious dating anymore,” declares the high school junior who has just been jilted by her boyfriend of two years, with whom she had fallen in love, but who it turned out hadn’t been in lasting love with her. Now she discovers some painful lessons about love: love is not guaranteed to be forever; the one we love the most can hurt us the worst; our love for someone is not always the best measure of their love for us.

‘Caring takes daring’ is the lesson the young person has learned because when it comes to love, the risk of hurt is always there. Apathy at this juncture doesn’t heal the suffering, but it does defend against becoming enamored again anytime soon. Respecting this decision, parents can also help the young person appreciate good aspects of this last relationship that can strengthen the next loving attachment when she feels ready to try again.

APATHY AS INDIFFERENCE. Adolescence can be a very self-centered and socially limiting experience, in the extreme causing young people to lose empathy for others in their preoccupation with self-interest and confinement to their own small social circle of friends. In the first case, concern for others is sacrificed to caring only for self, ignoring the needs of those they live with. This is when parents complain: “He only thinks of himself!” In the second case, the high school student may be so committed to a social clique and sticking to her own kind that there is insensitivity and indifference to the welfare of others outside of her immediate associations. This is when the young person seems to think: “Who cares about them?”

Because healthy personal relationships must work two ways and not just one (the adolescent’s way), and because after leaving school the young person must be prepared to function in a larger and more diverse world, lack of empathy and range in personal relationships will not serve the growing adolescent well. Therefore parents need to insist on mutuality with them and do all they can to broaden experience and enlarge sense of social affiliation while she is still living at home.

APATHY ASCYNICISM. Fresh out on one’s own and facing a large impersonal world and job market that is inhospitable, the last stage adolescent finally secures an entry level job, earning just enough to move in with two similarly situated friends who need a third roommate to make rent on the one bedroom apartment they now all share. What a come-down from the comforts of living at home!

Because the present is discouraging and the future looks unpromising it’s tough to care about life when life doesn’t appear to care much about you. If you just graduated from college and there are not the opportunities you thought awaited someone with your advanced education, life can feel unfair. Add pessimism to apathy and cynicism can result, creating an outlook with little hope and a lot of disappointment and anger. True independence is a letdown when the world is revealed as the hard, impersonal place it is. Now the work of making one’s way begins.

Because cynicism makes it difficult to stay motivated, it can be the enemy of effort at a time when summoning the will to keep trying, to try even harder, is what is needed. Although parents should not spare the older adolescent this time of struggle, they can offer encouragement and also provide perspective by relating some of the trials they went through starting out in life many years ago.

APATHY FROM SUBSTANCE USE. At any stage of adolescence, when life gets hard to engage with, it’s tempting to escape from these demands, which is where a lot of substance use comes in. The escape is about freedom – freedom from worrisome or painful cares, freedom for unrestricted and uninhibited pleasure. The effect of substance use is an altered psychological state.

Depending on the dose and frequency, substance use can take the user from sober caring, to less caring, to acting carelessly, to becoming care-free, to not caring at all if intoxication or getting wasted occurs. When regular use of alcohol, marijuana, or other psychoactive drugs becomes established, a loss of normal caring can disable effort. Now apathy erodes ambition, motivation falls away, and healthy functioning is harder to maintain. Another impact of substance use on apathy is not caring about consequences and engaging in dangerous risk taking. In either case, parents should push for an assessment of use, and if advised see about getting substance use counseling, treatment, or support group help.

APATHY FROMDEPRESSION. “What differences does anything make?” exploded the high school senior. She just lost her best friend to a fatal car accident a month ago. “Nothing matters anymore!” That’s what her parents report in counseling, explaining how “our daughter’s just feeling really sad, but she’ll get past it. We just need to give time.” However, based on other data that they share, I disagree. “She’s showing signs that she needs help. She’s no longer striving on her own behalf. She doesn’t care about the future. She looks downcast all the time. She’s stopped socializing with friends and just stays by herself. She’s given up working out. She’s not interested in communicating and gets angry when you want to talk with her. I think she’s becoming seriously depressed. Significant loss of any kind always carries the risk of a depressive response.

Parents: Educate Yourself On Cyberbullying!

Bullying is not a new topic and one that has been pretty prominent in the news lately. We have all lived bullying, on one end

or the other, but today’s bullying has a whole new form that we never had to worry about- online bullying. As a parent, I feel pretty confident about relating to my kids when they feel left out in the school lunch room or scared to run into a bully in the hallways, but not so much when it comes to the whole “online social life” of today’s adolescent.

An article on ParentFuther.com tells us more about this topic. First, we learn how to recognize bullying as opposed to conflict between peers.

Recognizing Bullying

Bullying is a complex problem, but there are good tools and resources that can help parents, educators, and caring adults identify bullying behavior. Did you know that there are four, specific characteristics that can qualify a situation as bullying? The behavior has to be intentional, be repetitive, be hurtful, and involve an imbalance of power.

Intentional—Children can hurt other children by accident. Bullying, however, is always intentional and meant to cause some sort of harm, whether it is physical or verbal. This behavior may persist even after the victim has asked the bully to stop.

Repetitive—In most cases, bullying happens repeatedly. Bullies often target children who they know will not do anything about the behavior, so they can continue bullying as long as they like.

Hurtful—Bullying is a negative behavior that may include physical or verbal harm. The types of hurtful behavior that qualify as bullying are varied, but they all cause harm of some sort to the victim.

Imbalance of power—If two children hold an equal amount of power, one cannot bully the other. This imbalance of power can come from different sources, including age, size, strength, and social status.

And then we learn more about cyberbullying, or bullying online, and how it differs from the bullying most of us adults have experienced. I feel for these kids just reading about this stuff!

Characteristics of Cyberbullying:

First, cyberbullying can be anonymous: youth who are being cyberbullied may not even know who the bully is, or specifically why they are being targeted.

Second, the impact of cyberbullying can be wider-reaching than bullying done in person. The speed and breadth of the internet have permitted groups of youth to create websites just to make fun of other young people, to impersonate other teens on social media sites, and to circulate embarrassing photos, all within a matter of minutes.

Finally, cyberbullies can be teens who might not otherwise have engaged in bullying behaviors. It is often easier to be cruel when the bully is sheltered from their target’s responses which can over time include devastating consequences such as withdrawal from family and friends, depression, diminished performance in school and in the most severe cases, self-harming behavior and even suicide.

Online bullying is very real and parents will be wise to pay attention and get educated on the topic. If we are going to help our kids, we must learn to identify the problem and know resources and actions to help them. The impact and danger of being bullied online shouldn’t be dismissed.

More references you can check out on this topic:

www.stopcyberbullying.org

www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandra-dupont/bullying_b_1581828.html

Exploring the Benefits of Unwanted Behaviors

“We often talk about the reasons for changing unhealthy behaviors, but rarely stop to consider, or admit to, how those behaviors are beneficial. How is that behavior working for you?”

A frustrated and tired woman sat in front of me not too long ago. She is admirably raising a teenager who is not her own with the heart and energy as if they were. These cases are often complex in that a child who suffered through an unhealthy and chaotic beginning with their biological family is now in a nurturing and loving home. Yet, the child’s behavior is persistently challenging and inappropriate. Positive reinforcement, verbal reasoning, empathy… nothing seems to break through to the child’s challenging behaviors.

During a recent session, I sat with this particular teenager discussing their behavior. “I want to change” and “I’m ready to change” were the talking points. “So, why haven’t you?” I challenged. The response was “I don’t know.”

Where do you go from there? Someone says they want to change, but they don’t. This is when the meat of real issues comes into play and self-discovery is key to moving forward. I get very excited to reach these points in therapy!!

In this particular situation, I had the client start a “Positive and Negative” list of their “bad” behaviors. In other words, what is the benefit for you to continue with your current choices? We often talk about the reasons for changing unhealthy behaviors, but rarely stop to consider, or admit to, how those behaviors are beneficial. How is that behavior working for you?

In my experience, there are several reasons people may not be making changes in their lives they know should, and can, be made.

Comfort Zones. People become comfortable with their current circumstances and taking steps towards change would require them to adjust to new circumstances. A woman who has an opportunity to leave a bad relationship, but doesn’t, could fall into this category. Some people even become comfortable with being in a bad mood. Have you ever realized you were being grumpy, but didn’t feel like getting un-grumpy? Imagine this as a lifestyle and you can see how difficult change can be for those individuals.

Fear. Not knowing anything different, or not knowing what things will be like if you do make a change, can keep people from taking steps towards change. In the situation above, I suspect this teen fears stability and happiness. They have never experienced a family life without discord. There may even be some fear they would mess it up if they actually succeeded in getting there in the first place. Fear is a powerful paralytic.

Need-to-please. The need to please others has stopped many people from making choices and taking steps for change. What will my friends think? How will they feel? “I must please everyone except myself” is a need-to-please self-talk that justifies staying the same.

Positive Reinforcements. Feedback in the form of praise, opinions, money, etc. can be a huge motivator for someone to continue down their current path. Kids and teens often fall into this category when it comes to behavior. Although they may get detention and nagging at home for skipping class, these kids are getting some serious positive reinforcement from their peers. They are “cool” or a “bad” kid. Image holds a lot of weight in their choices. Little kids often use negative behavior for attention. They will do anything to get you to look at them instead of your phone!

Coping Mechanism. We have all heard of good and bad coping mechanisms. Maybe the habit you are trying to break is one of your only coping skills? It’s really hard to give that up when you don’t have another coping outlet to use instead. Try finding another outlet for your stress, anxiety, anger, depression, and so on.

The possibilities are endless when it comes to why we don’t make changes we know are good for us. What are the benefits of your behavior? How do your “bad” choices work in your favor? If you have been meaning to make a change, such as leaving a bad relationship or stopping a bad habit, do some soul searching. Consider the benefits of the negative behaviors or choices first. You may be surprised at what you discover. Only then can you move forward in your decision to change or stay the same!

Books by Topic for Children, Parents, and Mental Health Professionals

With this being a fairly new website, I have plenty of plans to upgrade and make it even more informative and fun! I recently updated the Books Section, under the Links, Books, and Other Tools tab of this site. Using my Goodreads account, you can brouse my selections by topic or by the reader (adult, child, or professional). You can then read summaries and reviews of the books. As always, please forward any suggestions my way and check back regularly as new books are added each week!

BY TOPIC:

Abuse and Neglect